A group of eager archaeologist recently tasked with exploring the undersides of Costa Rica’s giant balls were blown away by how smooth they were.

“The spheres have incredible perfection, some of them reaching 96 percent” commented Francisco Corrales of the National Museum of Costa Rica.

“Oh my gosh, these balls are as smooth as eggs”

“It’s an incredible opportunity to study these unique elements in the world and in particular the five partially buried spheres” added archaeologist Isabel Medina.

“Now turn your head and cough please”

“We work to release the spheres employing an archaeological excavation in order to document their state, both on the exposed upper surface and on the ground, with the aim of forming a record of the physical state of each one.” they attempted to explain to a confused American reporter who had no clue what the Hispanic researchers were trying to say.

Discovered by Ticos working for the United Fruit Company in the late 1930’s, “The Stone Spheres of Diquis” were made by the indigenous people of the area over a thousand years before Catholics made “La Virgen De Los Angeles”, a magical statue that, despite what the bible says, demands your unwavering loyalty and sacrifice.

Sphere Worshipers, on the other hand, will be relieved to know that the Gods of Rock expect far less from them

Armed with dynamite and driven by gold lust, the plantation workers quickly devised ways to destroy the spheres in an effort to reach the golden centers the gargantuan gobstoppers were rumored to encase.

Scientist have yet to establish how many teeth the workers broke before switching over to dynamite

The workers would have gotten away with it too had it not been for the meddling of Doris Stone, a privileged white girl from Louisiana shown below about to have her flip-flops stolen by surf instructors.

Doris, who was the daughter of wealthy businessman and government overthrower Sam “The Banana Man” Zemurray, apparently loved balls almost as much as her dad loved bananas, eventually settled down in Costa Rica with her husband in 1939 and went on to publish her first paper on the subject of the giant Costa Rican balls in 1943.

If you would like to watch a cartoon about how the indigenous used to get their balls so smooth, today is your lucky day, we’ve posted one below:

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