As Cuba Dave reenters society our roving guest reporter James Dyde has been on the streets getting the reaction from the people who care most. Read his story below.
In a display of unity not seen since 1997, when Snoop and Puffy came together to end the East Coast/West Coast rap wars, Costa Rica’s prostitutes came together to celebrate the release of the country’s most famous convict (and least famous rapper); Cuba Dave Strecker.
Strecker, who allegedly earned his nickname by banging every prostitute in Cuba, finally left his Costa Rican prison cell to the raucous cheers of the sex industry. An industry that has become near decimated since his incarceration.
While visions of cheap hookers danced in Dave’s head as he slept with his head next to a urinal, his absence from “the scene” left the local sex trade to slip away, down a similar, yet much cleaner, toilet.
According to economists, Cuba Dave was singlehandedly responsible for 40 percent of the income of every prostitute in Costa Rica between 1995 and 2015. It is also estimated that he was indirectly responsible for around 80 percent of all cosmetic surgeries (breast and ass enhancements) carried out in CR during that time.
The chiclet industry also provided figures directly linking a jailed Cuba Dave to its plummeting sales, as prostitutes everywhere stopped spending money on these essentials.
From 2015 onwards, sales in all these industries slumped. 2015 was, of course, the year he went to jail. It was a dark year in the industry’s history.
Since his imprisonment, Costa Rica’s prostitutes have had to resort to unthinkable measures. Like getting real jobs.
Carmen, a hooker from Hatillo 8, told The Costa Rica Post that she hoped that with Dave now out she would be finally able to get that boob job she always wanted. She was also looking forward to finally paying off her cellphone debt with Kolbi and buying some chiclets.
“I’m not the only girl on my block who’s happy today”, Carmen said. “Everyone is celebrating, especially our boyfriends. They can now expect some extra guaro money in time for Christmas.”
Carmen’s daughter and former co-worker, Pamela asked us to sign a petition asking the government to declare August 20th Cuba Dave Liberation Day, or Cuba Libre for short. “Cuba Libre Day would honor the girls forced to leave our profession since Dave went to jail,” said Pamela.
The Costa Rica Viagra Sellers Association (AVVCR) echoed these sentiments. “These have been hard times over the past few years,” said Ricardo Duro, president of the AVVCR. “Before his arrest, Cuba Dave was our best customer. No man bought more viagra than him. Our sales have plummeted over the past two years, and it has been a worrying time.”
“But now that he is free, we can all expect a healthy boost in our performance for the coming quarter.”
Although Cuba Dave wasn’t immediately available for comment, someone claiming to be his spokesperson told us that he was happy to finally be free and that his nutsack was about to burst.